


If At First You Don't Succeed

by legendtripper



Series: Detroit Evolution Artfest - July 2020 [3]
Category: Detroit Evolution (2020), Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Matchmaking, Comedy, DE ArtFest, DEArtfest, Detroit Evolution Artfest, Established Relationship, F/M, He'll Just Do More Crime, Honestly Don't Let Him Take Criminology, Inspired by Octopunk Media's Detroit: Evolution Fan Film, Lazzo Is a Wholeass Idiot, Lazzo is a Gremlin of a Student, M/M, Matchmaking, Morally Questionable University Practices, Octopunk Media's Detroit: Evolution Fan Film, Shoutout to Lazzo's Girlfriend For Doing This, They're All Human By The Way, but we love him anyway, in case that wasn't obvious, well it kind of is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25045135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legendtripper/pseuds/legendtripper
Summary: Lazzo gets it in his head that his criminology professors are head over heels for each other, so he recruits his girlfriend to arrange some shenanigans. Spoiler Alert: Things do not go according to plan.OR: Don't trust college students with espionage.
Relationships: Lazarus "Lazzo" Fratello/Original Female Character, Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Series: Detroit Evolution Artfest - July 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884094
Comments: 22
Kudos: 59





	If At First You Don't Succeed

**Author's Note:**

> Day Three of Octopunk Media's Detroit Evolution Artfest! Today's prompt was College AU and after about seven different plot iterations, I came up with one I like! Thanks so much to [DomLerrys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DomLerrys/pseuds/DomLerrys) for her excellent beta work.
> 
> Once again, shoutout to [Michelle Iannantuono](https://twitter.com/ladytuono) for organizing this event! You rock.

“Lazzo.”

“Hmm?”

“ _Please_ tell me what I’m looking at is not what I think it is.” Lazzo puts his hands on his hips, eyeing the unconscious forms of his criminology professors sprawled on the floor. He cringes.

“...I can’t tell you that.”

Jess gapes. “Lazarus Fratello, you are _certifiably_ insane.”

“You thought this was a great idea!” Lazzo protests, flailing his arms wildly.

“Yeah, I thought giving them a gentle nudge in the right direction was good. You fucking _drugged_ our teachers!”

“They’re not drugged! Just… very drunk?”

“Like that makes it any better?”

“Yeah, you make a good point.” The original plan wasn’t meant to go this far. Surprisingly enough, Lazzo actually valued his education, but sometimes his decision making skills left much to be desired. What had started as a relatively innocuous joke turned into the legitimate idea to set up Lazzo’s adversarial teachers, and, well, when Professors Anderson and Reed didn’t respond to Lazzo and his girlfriend’s subtle poking and prodding, it was only natural he took matters into his own hands.

“So what are we gonna do with them? Just leave them here?” Jess tentatively nudges Anderson’s arm, leaping backwards when he twitches slightly in his sleep.

Lazzo checks his watch. It’s nearly three a.m. and they should be heading back to their dorms. “I mean, I guess so.”

“I can’t believe you sometimes.”

“Oh come on, you love me.” Flattery. Flattery works, right? Lazzo gives an awkward double thumbs up, trying not to panic.

“Yes, I do, but sometimes I worry for your sanity. I thought you were taking criminology to _stop_ crime?”

“You see, the thing about criminology is that it also teaches you how to get very good at crime and I have very poor impulse control.”

Jess crosses her arms, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “ _Clearly_.”

“But hey!” Lazzo says, shrugging his shoulders exaggeratedly. “If this works, and if we don’t get suspended—”

“Or _expelled_.”

“And if they don’t find out it was us—”

“Lazzo, this is _a lot_ of ‘ifs.’”

“Would you just let me finish?” Lazzo pauses in his explanation, pushing his sunglasses back up onto his head. “If this all goes according to plan, we’ll be _legends_.”

“Except no one’s supposed to know it was us.”

He hadn’t thought about that part. “ _Fuck_.”

“So what exactly was your plan, then?”

“Um…”

“You _do_ have a plan, right?”

“Well, sorta.” He did have a plan, emphasis on _did_. As it stood, his carefully crafted operation had been trashed by the apparent fact that both his professors were fucking _lightweights_. They were _supposed_ to come to the faculty lounge to unwind over drinks, as they did at the end of every week—Lazzo may or may not have spied on them for a little over a month to nail down the pattern—except this time, the drinks would be spiked, courtesy of one of Lazzo’s frat friends. After they were suitably tipsy, the feelings would come out, with Lazzo and Jess standing by to make sure nothing went horrifically wrong, and then boom, cute new teacher couple. But instead, they were passed out on the floor in an hour having completely skipped the feelings stage.

Jess pinches the bridge of her nose. “ _Fucking hell_ —”

“Just trust me on this one!” There must be some way to salvage this. Put them in the same bed? No, too complicated. Hope they didn’t remember and try again next week? Too risky. Despite how fucked they are, Lazzo offers a cheesy smile.

“And what, lose my scholarship?” Jess says, smacking Lazzo upside the head. “I think the fuck not.”

She’s about to tear into him when there’s movement from the impromptu cuddle pile.

“Nnngh…” From where he’s partially wrapped around Reed, hands buried in his hoodie, Anderson groans, tossing his arm over his eyes.

Lazzo’s eyes widen.

“ _Shit_ , babe, Anderson’s awake.”

Jess facepalms. “God _dammit_ , Lazzo, what now?”

“We hide and we watch, obviously,” Lazzo snaps, grabbing her arm and ducking behind a couch that probably hasn’t been replaced since the early 2000s.

Once they’re suitably out of view of the stirring professors, Jess hisses, “I hate you so much, you know that?”

“Shut up, this is gonna be great.”

Peering over the cushions as far as they dare, Lazzo and Jess watch with bated breath. Anderson makes a sound in the back of his throat, massaging his head. Beside him, Reed’s still snoring softly. Well, he is until Anderson reaches out and not-so-gently jostles his shoulder. Reed’s body flops gracelessly, limp as a ragdoll, but then his eyes flicker up and he bolts upright, breathing heavily. Anderson quickly follows suit, keeping his hand on Reed’s back until his breathing slows down.

Lazzo glances in Jess’s direction. She shrugs.

“Where are we?” Reed mumbles, squinting at the obnoxious fluorescent lights and hideously vintage appliances.

Anderson grimaces in kind. “Faculty lounge, I believe.”

“God.” Reed scrubs at his eyes. “And here I thought I was _done_ with elaborate hazing rituals.”

“I’m not sure the hazing ever stops, Gavin.”

 _Gavin?_ Jess mouths, pointing at Reed. Lazzo watches even closer. He wasn’t aware these two were already on a first name basis; he thought they hated each other. Something about this whole display seems… off, somehow.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re probably right.” Looking around, Reed finally locates a suitable handhold and hauls himself to his feet, taking a moment to stabilize himself against the shitty old fridge. A moment later, he stoops over, offering a hand to Anderson, who gratefully accepts. With a solid yank, Anderson’s on his feet again, brushing invisible dirt off his pristine white coat and running his fingers through his hair in a feeble attempt to tame the cowlicks inflicted by the floor.

Reed puts his hands on his hips, looking Anderson up and down, frowning slightly.

“Hey, c’mere.”

Anderson quirks a brow. “Yes?”

“You look terrible.”

“As do you.” Despite the insults, Anderson does move closer to Reed.

Reed rolls his eyes.“Yeah, but at least that’s how I usually look.”

“You said it, not me.”

Reed snorts, but motions with his hands for Anderson to come even closer. Once his head is close enough, Reed combs through Anderson’s hair, neatly arranging the flyaways into something more presentable. A wry smile plays across Anderson’s lips.

“I hate you, you know,” Reed says offhandedly, stepping back to admire his work. He actually did a fairly decent job, Anderson almost looks professional, other than the shit-eating grin adorning his face.

“Debatable.”

Reed laughs, putting his hands up in mock surrender. “Okay, you caught me, I don’t hate you. But you don’t have to look so damn _smug_ about it.”

“I’m afraid this is my default state, Detective Reed,” Anderson quips, minutely adjusting the hoodie on Reed’s jacket.

Lazzo’s jaw drops. _Detective?_ Next to him, Jess looks equally gobsmacked.

 _So I guess the rumors were true_. Several students put forth the theory that Reed used to be some sort of law enforcement agent, as he was an absolute _shit_ teacher sometimes and it didn’t make sense why he was there unless he had some sort of prior qualification. And apparently Anderson _knows_ about his detective career. _Well_.

Reed huffs. “You know, _Detective Nines_ , sometimes I forget how much of a dick you are.” Lazzo isn’t sure it’s possible for him to be any more shocked.

“Technically, that’s _former_ detective for the both of us,” Anderson says, pressing a knuckle to his chin thoughtfully.

“Nines, just let me have this,” Reed pleads, flashing Anderson the best puppy eyes Lazzo has ever seen.

“If you insist.” The two men examine the room, prompting Jess to tug on Lazzo’s arm. They both duck out of sight.

“I thought you said they were _drunk_!” Jess whisper-shouts, fear creeping into her voice. And she’s right. Anderson and Reed look far too lucid for the amount of alcohol that should be coursing through their veins.

“They were!” Lazzo insists. “I saw them drink the spiked bottles myself!”

“Then why aren’t they—”

“You’re going to have to do better than that to get the drop on us, you know.”

Anderson’s voice cuts off Jess’s tirade, plunging the room into dead silence. Working on a shared instinct, Lazzo and Jess stay perfectly still, as if by some miracle the two _literal detectives_ in the room won’t notice them crouched behind the furniture.

“Come on out, guys, we know you’re here.”

Should’ve seen that one coming.

Shrugging, Lazzo cocks his head toward his professors and he and Jess stand, doing their best to avoid eye contact. Anderson’s arms are crossed, one finger tapping his elbow. Reed actually looks overjoyed.

Lazzo winces, but he has to know. “...how—”

“Did we know you were here?” Anderson says at the same time Reed deadpans, “Are we not drunk off our asses on spiked ginger beers?”

Jess blinks. “Um. Both? I guess?”

“Well,” Anderson begins, gesturing with one graceful hand, “the simpler answer is that we swapped the spiked bottles out earlier this evening.” _Fuck. Of course he did._ “As for how we knew you were here…”

“You guys are _not_ subtle. Like, at all,” Reed interjects, looking pointedly at Lazzo’s luminescent feather boa. Lazzo picks at the end of it self-consciously while Anderson nods in agreement.

“So then…” Lazzo furrows his brow. “Why did you go along with it?”

“Because it was fun!” Reed says as if that’s the most obvious thing in the world. “And I wanted to see if my undercover days were truly behind me.” He elbows Anderson in the ribs, winking obnoxiously. “Still got it, Nines?”

Anderson lets out a long-suffering sigh. “You still have it, Gavin.”

“Mmh.” Reed turns to face Anderson, draping his arms around his neck, smiling softly. “Thanks, babe.” And then, in a display that makes Lazzo gasp so aggressively his sunglasses fall onto his nose, Reed leans forward and gives Anderson a chaste kiss on the lips.

“ _Babe?!_ ” Lazzo shrieks.

“Oh, didn’t you know?” In a single fluid motion, Reed and Anderson hold up their left hands, where two simple metal bands encircle their ring fingers. There’s no mistaking what they mean.

Lazzo and Jess stare in gobsmacked silence, a million questions like _how_ , and _when_ , and _why do you never wear the rings_ , and, most prominently, _what the literal fuck_ dying in their throats.

Anderson takes a deep breath, throwing a companionable arm across Reed’s shoulders. “Well, darling, I think we’ll be on our way.” Nodding, Reed guides them to the door of the lounge, pausing to shoot Lazzo a two-fingered salute.

“Have a good night!” They’re just about to leave when Anderson stops.

“I’d keep this to yourselves, if I were you.”

The implications ring loud and clear. Lazzo and Jess nod enthusiastically.

“Good. Let’s go home.” The door swings shut behind them, and Lazzo can just hear Anderson yelling “Fun glasses!” as he departs.

Jess purses her lips, running a hand through her hair.

“Did that actually just happen?”

“To be honest, I’m not entirely sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> After this, Nines and Gavin made as many covert references to that night as they could in their classes. Lazzo never lived it down.
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://legendtripper.tumblr.com/) (@legendtripper) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/legendtripperb) (@legendtripperb)!
> 
> Leave a comment if you're feeling generous! They just make me really happy.
> 
> Be sure to check out Octopunk Media's [Detroit: Evolution](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apUn-YMMdZ8) on YouTube, as well as its lovely director (Michelle Iannantuono) and cast (Maximilian Koger, Chris Trindade, Jillian Geurts, Carla Kim, JJ Goller, and Michael Smallwood) wherever they can be found!
> 
> And here is your not-so-friendly reminder that this is a work of fiction and to kindly refrain from shipping Maximilian and Chris. My steel-toed boots _will_ find your kneecaps.
> 
> "Stay great, hydrate, and have a happy timezone!" - Michelle the Octopunk


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